I See You

Lately motherhood has left my overwhelmed, exhausted, short-tempered, and... exhausted. In fact, the other night the boys told Bryan that "mom is angry more than you." Ouch. And of course in my mind I had a bunch of reasons to try and justify why.

Today was different. Today I got to see my kids. Really see them. I don't know what made the difference.  Maybe life slowed down a little bit today that I was able to relax and see them for who they truly are. 

Here's what I saw.

As Jace walked up from getting off the bus today he told me he now had two lunchboxes.  He happened to notice that his friend had left his lunchbox and had already left for the day.  So he decided to grab it for him and take it to him.  Not that big of a deal, right?  But that's just it.  That's Jace.  Thoughful, tender hearted, astute, always trying to be the best he can be.  I have no need to worry about this boy.  I saw his heart.

At lunch today Cole told me something that made me cry tears of love and tears of sadness.  He told me that he cried at school today because he missed me.  After lots of questions, it came down to the fact that he really did just miss me.  I asked if his teacher saw him and he said she did and so he was able to sit in the rocking chair and rock with Kermit the Frog until he felt better. Then he was able to run out and finish recess.  Heart wrenching and heart swelling all wrapped in one.  And that's my Cole.  The boy who always wants a hug and always tells me how much he loves me.  The boy who wants to be so grown up, yet really he is just a little boy who still needs his mom. 

Today as we were outside, Lily was playing: moving from one toy to the other, in and out of the house, trying to hula hoop, mothering her baby sister.  "Watch me, Mom" she begged.  And I did watch her.  I saw the wonder and innocence in her.  I saw her imagination.  I saw her determination.  I saw her desire to go to preschool as she wore her backpack for most of the day.  I saw her toe-headed beauty and her bright blue eyes.  She's losing her baby chub and starting to turn into a pretty little girl.  I saw the passion she carries in her eyes and her expressive eyebrows.  I saw her.

Today I saw much less of  Kate's glare that I've seen too much of lately.  (Thank goodness.) I saw a little glimmer of that happy baby I know she can be.  As I was putting her to bed and singing to her, I heard and saw her desire to be recognized and understood as she said, "Mamma? Mamma? Mamma?" until I would stop my singing and answer "what?".  I saw that no matter her young age of 15 months, she wants to be heard and recognized just like the other three. 

As I stood at the kitchen counter tonight rolling out the pizza dough, I realized that this was a day that I desperately needed.  I neeed to see beyond the frustrations of raising four children with different personalities.  I needed to see beyond the sheer exhaustion of motherhood.  I needed to see beyond the unnoticed aspects of my responsibilities.  I needed to see beyond the day to day rutt of things. 

And I was able to today.  I saw my children.  I saw what a huge blessing I have.  I saw that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and what I want to be doing.